10 things that I’ve learned after 10 years of marriage-Part 3
every day was not a proverbial walk in the park either
So let me tell you guys how I have known my husband, Rezon, for half of my life and we literally grew up and matured together. If I had of known then what I know now, we would be further along in life but I guess that’s the whole point of learning. I am so proud of myself and our marriage at this point. No, we are not where we are destined to be but we are on the right path (including all of the bumps, hills, valleys, and mountaintop experiences). I hope that you have learned a few things from parts 1 & 2; you should use it as your cliff notes. These 10 lessons have taken 10 years to learn so if you can learn them quicker than that…go for it honey and keep your marriage together.
#7: There’s more than one way to communicate
How many of us think that communication is just talking? I did. I had to learn that communication was more than language, it includes body language, facial expressions, and other non-verbal cues. My facial expressions would often discourage my husband from talking to me because he didn’t feel comfortable disclosing any information when my demeanor exhibited impatience. On the flip side, my husband can seem distant when I talk to him which makes me shut down and not talk to him. After many uncomfortable and contentious encounters, we began to ask questions instead of assuming; if my face was screwed up, Rezon would ask what was I thinking or what does that face mean. I had to control my facial expressions and control my emotions so that I was able to listen and not prepare to speak. Contrarily, my husband’s “distance” would drive me crazy because he would take ssssoooooo long to respond but that’s how he processes the information that I tell him so that he doesn’t speak frivolously. All in all, we had to be mindful of how our physical and non-verbal communication affected the other person.
#8: Be mindful of how your actions impact your spouse
The way that we act can, directly and indirectly, affect our spouse. If you saw me fighting in the street and being loud and belligerent, I’m pretty sure that Rezon would receive social media messages, tags, hashtags, and phone calls regarding my behavior. Granted, I am a grown woman and I can do whatever I want (in my Beyonce voice) but I am married and represent my husband and vice versa. When you are in a marriage, you have to consider how your actions will impact or backfire on your spouse. There have been many times that I wanted to pop off and go bizerk, but I reconsidered. Every relationship is different, many couples can go out and act a fool and be ok, to each his own. No matter what you do in your relationship, we all have boundaries and when those boundaries are crossed in public, your spouse will be affected. Smart thinking and delayed reactions can save a marriage.
#9: Sorry doesn’t fix everything
I love that phrase! I got it from my little 3-year-old nephew. When I heard him say it, I really had an “aha” moment. Growing up, I can remember adults telling us to say sorry when we did something that offended the other person. Saying sorry was ok but no one taught us how to stop the offensive action and check our hearts to find the origin of the issue. In marriage, you may say or do something that causes a rift between you and your spouse but saying sorry every time won’t fix it. We have to get a point where we reevaluate our actions and reevaluate why we allow certain things to happen to us. When we get to the point of self-discovery and introspection, then we will have a better understanding of how not to hurt other people and how to change the action versus covering things up by saying sorry.
#10: Encourage each other to be better, in every area
Finally, encouragement and being your spouse’s biggest cheerleader and accountability partner is key. We encourage our favorite football team, co-worker, friends, etc. but we lower our expectations for our spouse. no way! We should be the biggest and loudest person in their corner. Now, my husband and I encourage each other in every area but along with that encouragement comes accountability. Accountability may not feel good and it may even feel like nagging if you are underperforming. I would strongly suggest that you learn what motivates and drives you and your spouse so that you both will be able to understand each other better and get the best from each other. There are enough people trying to drag you down, so there’s no reason to be another opponent who shares the same bed.
I hope that this list of 10 things has helped you to be a better wife/husband. I am definitely going to revisit these lessons quite frequently so that I can continue to grow and be the best wife I can be . . . even when he gets on my lllllllaaaaaassssstttttt nerve.
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